Tripp Kramer Shares Dating Advice for Shy Guys | Episode 49

Are you going back into the dating world, or you have been in the dating scene for a while? Which crucial skills and steps are men taught in order to help them succeed in the dating world? What is a piece of advice that women can take when it comes to dating men?

In this podcast episode, Billy and Brandy Eldridge speak with the LA Dating Coach, Tripp Kramer about how he helps men gain the confidence to succeed in the world of dating.

Meet Tripp Kramer

Image of LA Dating Coach Tripp Kramer speaking to Billy and Brandy Eldridge on the Beta Male Revolution PodcastTripp Kramer is an international dating coach for men. He created his “TED system” to help shy men confidently attract the women they desire. In his earlier years, he was a shy guy who figured out through trial and error how to get better and meeting, dating, and finding the right type of woman for you.

He currently has a popular podcast on iTunes called “How To Talk To Girls” and has a book called Magnetic which teaches all his secrets on dating and attraction.

Visit his website and sign up to work with him here. Connect on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and Twitter.

Listen to his podcast here.

In This Podcast

Summary

  • Building confidence
  • How to properly approach women
  • Who pays for the date?
  • Some common insecurities

Building confidence

I do believe that confidence – and the reason why anyone becomes confident – is because they become competent in something, so confidence comes from competence. In order to become confident with women, it’s like getting confident with anything else that we do … the more you go out and talk to them, converse with them [the easier it gets] …. And guys don’t do that because its very hard [initially]. (Trip Kramer)

When you first start talking to women and getting used to the discomfort of doing something new that you are not used to, some men feel intimidated and judged by other men who are more comfortable than they are in that situation.

Tripp coaches men to become used to rejection, and learn to overcome the fear of rejection, not in the way that they then become complacent, but that they do not let it stop them from continuing to speak to women and grow their confidence.

When men become more confident in the things they do, they become more confident with themselves.

How to properly approach women

  1. Do not rely on something external: Avoid drinking and drugs to give you that momentary confidence boost, no matter how helpful it may be because it is not sustainable and can turn into a bad habit of needing to have a drink in your hand just to speak to a woman.
  2. Tripp takes his clients through a system of desensitization, which is essentially practicing something over and over again until you are no longer afraid of it.

Who pays for the date?

In Tripp’s opinion, it is a question of decency, and who set up the date. If the man asks the woman out, he should pay. If a few dates down the line the woman asks the man out on a date, she should pay.

There is also an element of attractiveness when someone is able to pay the bill, whether they are male or female because it shows success and a type of caring-dominance.

In Tripp’s experience and opinion though, on the first date, the man should pay. Down the line if and when the woman offers to pay, that same man should accept her offer and be okay with her paying too.

Some common insecurities

I would say the biggest stumbling block is not feeling good enough [because] it just becomes the guy putting the woman on a pedestal in the sense where he feels that any woman who is attractive is just automatically more valuable than him. (Tripp Kramer)

When a man feels insecure or less deserving of worth because he is interacting with an attractive woman, he may feel the need to constantly impress her and think he needs to do so many things to get her.

This process of degrading yourself to get closer to someone else is unattractive and it can lead you down a bad path of sourness and resentment.

You have to invest in yourself as well, and build your self-esteem by:

  • Keeping the promises you make to yourself.
  • Surround yourself with people who are trying to better themselves and who will lift you up. Surround yourself with people who bring you up and do not tear you down.

If you see yourself as a guy you like and you see yourself as valuable and then you see a beautiful woman, you’re going to say ‘oh, why wouldn’t this woman like me, I’m awesome’ and that’s not in an arrogant way because arrogance is ‘I’m better than you’ … but confidence is ‘I’m awesome’ and I think that’s the big difference there. (Tripp Kramer)

Books mentioned in this episode

Neil Strauss – The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

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Meet Billy Eldridge

billy-eldridge

Meet Billy, the resident beta male. For Billy, this is a place to hang out with other beta males and the people who love them. We’re redefining what beta males look like in the world. I have learned to embrace my best beta self, and I can help you to do the same. As a therapist, I understand the need to belong. You belong here. Join the REVOLUTION.

 

Meet Brandy Eldridge

brandy-eldridge

Hello, Beta friends. I am an alpha personality who is embracing the beta way of life. I feel alive when connected with people, whether that is listening to their stories or learning about their passions. Forget small talk, let’s go deep together. Come to the table and let’s have some life-changing conversations.

 

Thanks for listening!

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Podcast Transcription

[BILLY ELDRIGDE]: Beta Male Revolution is part of the Practice of the Practice podcast network, a family of podcasts, seeking to change the world. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Empowered and Unapologetic, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.
[BILLY]: Hey Beta Male Revolution. It’s Brandy and I here again today. We are a married couple, we do a podcast called the Beta Male Revolution of all things. And we have an exciting guest here today. We have Tripp Kramer, who’s an international dating coach and as a therapist and doing work in couples counseling, I find one of the things where people really fall off and give up is they quit pursuing their partner and they quit dating. So whether you’re in the dating field or you’re in a relationship, I have no doubt that the information today will be applicable, but we want to hear about Tripp and his story. So, Hey Tripp, how are you doing?
[BRANDY ELDRIGDE]: Welcome Tripp.
[TRIPP KRAMER]: Thank you for having me. I’m doing very good today. I’m happy to be on your podcast. Yes, it’s great to be here.
[BRANDY]: Yes, we’re excited because we’ve been married for a long time.
[TRIPP]: How many years?
[BRANDY]: We’ve been married 12 years, but we haven’t —
[TRIPP]: So glad she answered first
[BRANDY]: But Billy was married before that. So Billy has been married like his whole adult life and dating out there for me 12 years ago was difficult. It was kind of like when the online dating scene had started, and I’m really glad I’m not in it because we have people that tell us how hard it is now with social media or maybe it’s easier. I don’t know. But I’m glad we have an expert in the room.
[BILLY]: Yes. How in the world do you become an international dating coach that helps guys with what they need to do?
[TRIPP]: I am self-proclaimed that’s for sure, and I have no problem with saying that. And I get that question all the time. Like, “What qualifies you to be a dating coach? How did you get into that sort of thing?” Because it’s not a very normal profession, but I’ve been doing it for 10 years. I started Tripp Advice back in 2011, and I started it based off of a podcast that gave dating advice to guys. Now I have a podcast now that I also do, but this is a different one. I started doing a podcast where I was giving dating advice to guys back in 2009 with a buddy. And the reason why that podcast started was because I was going through my own journey of learning about how to go through shyness and social anxiety and understanding what women wanted and attraction and all those things.
So as I was going through my journey, I learned some things and I felt I could really give some guys advice on this. So a buddy of mine, we started a podcast, was called Dudes Talking About Chicks. That’s exactly what it was, a couple of dudes talking about chicks. And we did that for a couple of years and then I just really had this moment of realization where I was like, “This is what I need to be doing. This is what I love, I’m passionate about it, and I’m good at it, giving guys advice to help them with shyness, meaning women, dating, all those good things. So after about 40 episodes of that podcast, I ended up starting Tripp Advice. And then from there on, well, when I first started, it was to help anyone. So I was trying to help women, men, anyone in the LGBT community, everyone, but then I realized that the people who really reached out to me the most and really resonated with my message was heterosexual men.
So then I just stopped with any kind of advertising and marketing towards everyone, focused in on the guys and have just been doing it ever since. So I help guys who have trouble with meeting women, who have trouble with talking to women, who have trouble with getting dates. And that’s what online and in person. And you were saying too, just a second ago, is you don’t, would not want to be dating right now. It’s hard. It’s interesting. I think it’s hard and I think it’s gotten easier. There’s like many things about both sides where it’s like, “Oh, this is awesome. This has made things easier.” Like maybe online dating, for example, but then it does get harder in the sense where it’s like, “Oh, now there’s so many options and you get lost in the crowd.” So there’s all different kind of pros and cons with it. But yes, that’s how I got started and been doing it ever since and love it and just try to help as many guys as I can.
[BILLY]: Well, that’s awesome. And, well, my only experience in like what a dating coach would be probably came from my younger years when VH1 had the series, The Pickup Artist with a mystery. Do you remember that the guy with the big hat and it was kind of oogie and it was just like, we’re going to go out and just, I don’t know, offer up lines.” It didn’t feel real authentic. I don’t want to, it was a weird show, but is that, you don’t do that, right?
[TRIPP]: No, I don’t do that. I probably do a version of it, but not that exactly.
[BILLY]: You don’t have funny hats?
[TRIPP]: No, there’s no funny hats. There’s no funny pickup lines. There’s no funny techniques but I will say that is what started it for me and a lot of guys, because that was the only dating advice that really existed. It was mainly pickup advice. And so I remember watching that show. I remember reading the book that it was kind of based on, because it was a book that came out called The Game, which really brought the whole pickup thing into the main stream. And that is what got a lot of guys into this because it started this whole that made dating learnable and teachable, and that never existed before. So I do give that credit, because I don’t think if that show came out or the book came out that I will not be doing what I’m doing for sure.
And I don’t think there’s dating advice that would be more corrective dating advice. So it was great that that started, but it was not the type of information that I think helped guys in the long-term. And I think that from that came coaches like me and other people who said, “Hey, maybe there’s a way to do this differently where we can go out and meet women, but it doesn’t have to be in this way that feels inauthentic or creepy or strange.” And so I’d like to say I was on the forefront of that revolution in the sense where I kind of came in with part of the crowd that was saying, “Hey, let’s try this a little bit differently and let’s just be cool, awesome, charismatic, confident guys.” And I do believe that there are many ways to be able to get to that place without having to do that pickup stuff. So I do, it’s weird, it’s information that I don’t love and I don’t give, but I am glad that that happened and that occurred or else, like I said, I wouldn’t be here today.
[BILLY]: Yes, absolutely. Well, you mentioned something in there authentic, and maybe that’s the component that was missing back then. It was given a pitch like you were trying to make a, close a deal and get a sale and how long can you sustain just playing a role if that’s not authentically you. And so how do you go out there, and when you’re like a self-proclaimed beta male guy, like me, who you know, in high school, I was a shy guy, difficult to talk to people. I’ve had social anxiety, whether it’s talking in a circle of guys or talking to a female and I’ve had to grow and learn and find strengths. But when you work with guys, what are the things you guys begin to talk about and do to build that authentic self and confidence in who they truly are as a human being?
[TRIPP]: Well, I do believe that confidence, the reason why anyone becomes confident is because they become competent in something. So confidence comes from competence. So in order to get confident with women, it’s kind of like getting confident in anything else that you might be doing where let’s say, for example, I gave you a recipe, a new recipe that you’ve never made before. Let’s say you never even really cooked before. I gave you a recipe. It’d probably be very difficult to do that recipe for the very first time. You’re learning how to mince garlic. You’re learning how to get all the ingredients together. You’re learning how to check if the chicken that you’re making is at the right temperature. So it’s safety, there’s a lot of factors involved, but then you make it again and again, and again.
Let’s say you make that recipe every week for a year. You’ll become more confident in it because you become competent in it. So it’s the same thing with dating and women. You become more confident and competent with women. The more you go out and you talk to them, you converse with them, you see what it’s like to interact with a woman that you’re very attracted to, or a woman that you’re not attracted to, or maybe multiple women at once. So there is work that can be done where you can put yourself out there. It just, the thing is guys don’t do that because it’s very hard. A little bit different than making recipe, because maybe you’re making the recipe at home and no one’s judging you, but when you’re going out and approaching a woman, you have someone else who’s potentially judging you. And guys don’t like that. Well, no one really likes that judgment, that fear of judgment, the potential of getting rejected. That feels really icky. So guys stay away from that.
So my job as a coach is to rewire their brain and their mindset to thinking, “Hey, it’s okay to go out and approach women and to try to make them understand that it’s not about rejection and just give them some different mindset shifts to encourage and motivate them to go out and talk to as many women as possible so that they become more confident in that.” And then what happens is they start to become more confident in themselves. And also to, just through the process of doing it, you become more confident in yourself because you’re just simply accomplishing a goal. So a lot of things are happening there. Now with a man, of course, there’s different skills you want to be working on.
Just like I said, like if you’re making a recipe, like there’s a way to mince the garlic, there’s a skill inside of that. Same idea as if you’re going out and meeting women, like, okay, you want to be able to hold a conversation. So how do you hold a conversation even though your brain is saying, “I got to leave, I got to leave. This is scary. This is scary.” How do you hold that conversation? How do you understand what flirting is? How do you get some signals that she might be interested in you? Are you supposed to text her or call her? How do you set up the date? And all of that can only really happen when you’re going to read a whole blog post on it. I have a thousand videos on my YouTube channel and over 500 episodes on my podcast.
All that is great and dandy, but you’re not going to really learn it until you take one of those episodes and try something from there and go out and actually talk to women. So I encourage guys as much as possible to go out and be able to just push themselves to even start a conversation, because you’re going to learn so much in that. And now a lot of guys, it can get challenging. They might go out and they might feel defeated, like, “Oh, I’m going out Tripp. I went out and I did 20 approaches. No girl wants to talk to me.” I try to help them understand that it’s going to be very difficult at first, but there are things that you can work on to make this easier for yourself. And then we go, so that’s kind of like the behavioral side of it, like behavior, like going out, talking all that kind of stuff. But then I also try to help them as much as I can with the outer qualities, too, style, your career, your fitness and health, your lifestyle and friends and your network.
So all those things play an important role as well. So I’m trying to help guys in all the different areas to become the most attractive version of yourself. And through that without having routines or specific pickup lines or specific pickup techniques through all the things I just mentioned, you can become better with women and dating.
[BILLY]: Well, I like that you’ve mentioned overcoming the fear of rejection and, that takes me back to a person, we studied him in counseling psychology, Albert Ellis, who developed REBT. I think it’s rational, emotive, behavior therapy, and one of the things he did in college was he went out to the, and I hope I’m telling the story, I have to go back and check, but he went, he was a very shy guy. He was this science research scientist type fella and founder of a psychological movement. So probably very studious guy, not the ladies man, but he went out into the square in his college and he said he wasn’t going to go home each day until he had asked at least a hundred women on a date. So he could get used to the rejection and realize it wasn’t going to kill him and what was he going to teach him about himself and to overcome the fear. And on some level we have to be exposed to the fear to overcome it. But man, it is learning you know a bit about ourselves through the end of my world isn’t rejection. I can learn to look inward and find things out about me when I feel like I don’t have to just be accepted by everybody. I know Brandy’s chomping at the bit to get some questions out here.
[BRANDY]: I like everything you’re saying, because I remember back in my twenties so long ago when I was dating and in Dallas and going out all the time, every Thursday and Friday night and meeting different people and different guys. And there were oftentimes, like, I knew a guy was interested, but he couldn’t ask me out. And then it was like, why won’t he ask me out? And so then it became rejection on my part, or my friends would say, “He’s really into you and he has given all the vibes,” and then he’d get scared or he wouldn’t kiss me at the end of the night or, it just got, it was weird. And so I love that you’re like this real life hitch, that’s like telling guys like, “Hey, you can do this. Take that next step without, for like my husband, it was always the liquid courage to get him, to show the confidence and be able to do that. So taking the liquid courage out, or I don’t know, do you encourage that? What are some of the steps you teach them on how to approach women and what are the vibes they’re looking for?
[TRIPP]: Yes, totally. Well, I try to make it so they’re not drinking, they’re not doing any kind of drugs, anything, anything as an external, something external, that’s going to make you feel more confident or that’s going to give you some sort of boost. I always tell guys, it’s like, “You can go out and drink and that can help you. Hey, take a few shots. It makes you loosen up. But what if you see a girl at a grocery store and now you don’t have access to that alcohol, what are you going to do? Run to your car and take a shot of Jack Daniel’s? Probably not.”
[BILLY]: Not a good idea.
[TRIPP]: Not a good idea. Yes. It’s just not a sustainable way of learning how to meet women. So I try to teach guys how to meet women without having any sort of external factor that’s going to help them except for their own confidence. So no alcohol, but I take them through a process that’s called systematic desensitization, which is just a $5 word for doing something over and over again until you feel not scared of it. So this is something that people do with any kind of fear, fear of spiders, fear of flying, whatever it is, as you take baby steps to get them to the point, or they are able to do the thing that is scary to them. So if I see a guy who is shy to go out and ask for a girl’s number, that would be a very big leap. He probably wouldn’t be able to do it, or it would take him way too long to get there. But if I told the guy to go out and just ask someone real quick, what the time was, that’s a little bit easier, right?
So I have guys who are like, “Okay, yes, that’s a little bit easier. I could do that.” So let’s have them do that a few times over and over and over. Now, what’s that doing? That’s getting them comfortable with going over to someone like actually just like walking over and saying hello to them. Or if it’s at a bar and you give them an easy line, like, “Hey, do you know any good bars around here? What are some other cool bars around here?” That might be a lot easier for a guy than going up and just starting a conversation out of nowhere. So I take them through this baby step method, AKA systematic desensitization. And so we put them through that and hold them accountable to do that so slowly but surely it becomes not a problem. So for example, I’m working with a client right now and we’ve been working together for a few months. And in the very beginning, it was very hard for him to go over and say anything to a woman. And now I’m getting him to go over, have five minute conversations during the day out of nowhere, completely sober, getting their number and actually getting dates out of it. And that was all from him, not being able to go up and even say hi to a person. So it just takes going through that process and making the time and making it a priority to do so.
[BILLY]: So are your clients, do they have different end games or some men are just like, “I just want courage to be able to talk to women and know what to say,” or some of them like, “I’m looking to pick up women,” and some are like, “I want a relationship,” or what is the end goal?
[TRIPP]: So basically the end goal is whatever guys want out of it. I find most guys want relationships, but then there’s a percentage of guys who are just like, “I don’t want a relationship yet. I kind of feel like I didn’t have time in my life, or I just had fun dating and meeting new women and sleeping with women that I never slept with before, and I just want to kind of have fun for now and not get into anything committed.” So I don’t care what the guy’s goal is at the end of the day. The process is the same. So I help any guy that is just looking to get into dating and for whatever reason. And then of course, if their interest in getting into a relationship, whether we take them further down the line and there’s a little bit more information involved there of how do you find someone who’s a good fit for a relationship? How do you get to the point where you know that she is going to be someone who can, who doesn’t have the red flags that can be in a relationship with you and then how do you make that relationship awesome? So I do take it further sometimes depending on what it is that they’re looking for.
[BRANDY]: So as the resident, female, feminist alpha female, talk to me about how this works and like, with the changes in the last 10 years with like the MeToo movement with really women breaking some glass ceilings with just this different perspective on how women want to be treated and should be treated like even being called a chick. You know, like any of those things, because I feel like you’re coming at it from a very authentic and helpful way. I don’t feel a lot of you know, let’s just get them in quick and get them out. Let’s it’s not like that. I don’t feel that from you. I hope it’s not, but I do hear a lot of like, just building men’s confidence to speak with women, looking for the signs, helping men who want to be in the dating world. And so I think there is this niche that you’ve found that’s pretty brilliant. But how has that changed in your last 10 years? What advice now is different than what you were giving before?
[TRIPP]: Yes, that’s a great question. Nothing’s changed at all. The information is the exact same. I get a lot of people, men and women who both bring up the MeToo movement and the women’s revolution and really it hasn’t affected how I would teach men how to meet women, because first of all, the MeToo movement, to me, that was more about sexual harassment and pushing. And then it did lead into pushing sexual boundaries. But the guys that I work with, these aren’t the guys who are sexually harassing women at work, overstepping their boundaries, not getting sexual consent. These guys wouldn’t, can’t even talk to a woman, you know? So while it all feels like it’s connected, I’m on a whole different Island over here. Not, it’s not connected to that. And I try to tell guys that too. They’re like, “The MeToo movement, I’m scared. Women are going to be, their guards are going to be up,” and all this. It’s like, well, the guards are always up. I don’t think they’re up any more than they were 20 years ago. If a guy’s approaching them, they still might be a little bit like, “Whoa, what’s going on right now?”
I think if anything, it’s social media that has really ruined that part of dating where it’s like, now people don’t talk to each other in person, or it might’ve been completely normal actually 30 years ago to go up to a person and start talking to them. And now it’s like, someone rings your doorbell and you’re like, “Who is that?” You’re like, “Who could be ringing my doorbell right now? This is not good.” Because, we don’t need to do that anymore. We don’t need to be in person anymore for so many things. We can go a whole year without ever coming in contact with anyone because we have our phones and computers. So my point here is that if anything, we got to get people back out there talking to each other, because eventually you are going to be meeting in person. And my advice just hasn’t changed because there’s nothing that I’m having the guys do that would be inappropriate, whether it’s now because of the MeToo movement or because it was 20 years ago. It’s all pretty much the same. I was on a podcast where I was talking to a feminist and she was kind of drilling me about, “Well, what about Aziz Ansari?” He had a situation where he was overly aggressive with a woman. It wasn’t a situation of rape, but it was a situation of she wasn’t, he wasn’t taking no for an answer and he was just always trying to like kiss her and try again and try again. And finally, she just got so uncomfortable that she left.
So it has gone down into that. And with those situations, I always tell guys, I’m like, “Listen, we don’t, first of all, we don’t want any women that don’t want you. And if a woman isn’t willing to kiss you, that’s not really a game that she’s playing. She’s probably just not interested.” So absolutely, should you go for a kiss? Yes. Do you need to ask for a consent for a kiss? No, I think that’s ridiculous. You go for a kiss and if she backs off and is not interested, that’s it. You don’t try again. You might ask her out again because maybe she just wasn’t ready to get physical, but we just don’t try again. And of course we ask for consent with sex and all that, but yes, my long story short here is, yes, I don’t think that has really affected any of the things that I teach because I think the guys who are already doing that creepy stuff, those guys aren’t coming to me.
[BRANDY]: I love that answer. You know, it’s different. I don’t want to be, I have two daughters and a son. We have two daughters and a son and I don’t want my son to grow up and be caught in any situations. Now I’m looking at it differently than I did before. And I look back on some of the guys I dated, some of the situations and it’s just, it’s different. And I want to teach my son more of these ways of approaching and talking about consent. I don’t ever want him to be in a situation, but then I look at my daughters and I don’t want them to be in a situation. So hearing this from you of how you teach, this is really helpful for me as a mom raising kids. It’s just really important to, and they aren’t, it’s like you said, they’re on their screens. They’re not socialized. And especially with COVID, they’re stuck in the houses, they’re not playing like they used to and getting back out there and having conversations with people, this lost art, where that’s what we did 20 years ago.
We were out dating people and they were, I remember I was in a grocery store in Dallas that I was with one of my friends and this guy comes up to me, really good looking guy and he’s asking me like what my favorite spaghetti sauce is. And I remember like, I didn’t realize until after he left, my friend was like, “He was so cute. He was heating on you. You didn’t get the signal.” I was like, “Oh, I just thought he was really interested in spaghetti sauce.” And she was like, “God, Brandy. Sometimes you’re just…,” And I remember like, looking back on these moments, thinking like, “Oh, that’s what it was.” I just was oblivious. And you talk about like, signs that you are like, if he’s into you, if she’s into you. And I remember reading that book, If He’s Just Not That Into You and I remember going, “Oh, I’m wasting my time on some of this stuff too.” And that’s kind of your approach of like, if she’s not into you, if she’s not doing this, let’s move on. Let’s ask another one. I like this.
[BILLY]: Well, Brandy, I’m glad that guy’s pickup line failed. I ended up with an awesome wife. But when we look at ego and pride and I like how you say the guys you’re working with, because like usually the guys that are overstepping boundaries are like these egomaniacs, self-inflated guys who think they’re God’s gift to the world, but there is this —
[BRANDY]: And I dated some of those.
[BILLY]: Well, and then there’s pride in reverse where there’s self pity, shame, you’re too low or too hard on yourself. And I think it’s getting people right-sized just, I’m a human among humans and I’m trying to make connection in the world. And I have sat in my office in a counseling situation and seeing the loneliness that is on a person who can’t find the words to create connection with other human beings. And they’re going home to their apartment lonely every night and they don’t know how to step out into a world full of people and begin a conversation. And what I hear you tell them, this is, you’re just teaching guys, the baby steps of here’s how you put one foot in front of the other and begin to have a conversation with another human being to create connection. And that’s powerful because right now with COVID and isolation and everything, we see what it does to people’s mental health, people’s self worth people’s value in the world when they’re alone and they’re isolated and they have no one.
So I think it’s amazing that you have a system by which you’re helping guys get out there in the world and connect with others and build relationship. Because I believe that’s one of the biggest things where we mess up is we start out dating our partner, but then we quit. We get lazy. So this information’s good for everybody.
[BRANDY]: When you say we, do you mean you?
[BILLY]: I mean, me. By we, I mean me all me.
[BRANDY]: But I do wonder too, so like raising my daughters, like I have simple questions, like who pays anymore? Do you go Dutch? Like, how does that work?
[TRIPP]: I tell the guys to pay. I think the guy that pays is well, there’s a lot of things there. First what it does is it, I’m trying to think where to start this. Okay, first off, if you’re the guy asking the woman out, it’s just decent to just be the one to pay. You’re the one who set it up and I would expect on the other end too. If a woman asks a man out, maybe on a even a second or third date she should pay. So that’s a decency there. It’s just like be the one to pay. You’re the one who set it up. You know, it makes sense that way. But also I think that there is something very attractive for a man to pay for the bill. I think women are attracted to that because it shows dominance, which is a masculine trait, just taking care of things.
And also it says, “Hey, this guy might be successful.” And women are attracted to successful men, right? Men who have their act together who make a good living for themselves, men who can support themselves. So even if you’re paying the bill and the bill is like $40, it’s still sub-communicates that. So why don’t we use all the things we can to be the most attractive version of ourselves? So I would say those are the reasons why a guy should pay in the first date. And I would just have him continue to pay. You know, I would hope on the other end that the woman tries to split the check and so that kind of says to the guy, “Okay, this woman is also doing something decent and she’s showing appreciation by offering to pay.” And then if it comes to the third, fourth, fifth date and so on from there, hopefully she’s like, she is the one who says, “No, no, no, no, I got this.” And then you let her take it. So you don’t have to be the one who has to pay, but you know, always go for it unless then she’s like, “No, no, I got this one.” Let her and continue forward. But the definitely in the beginning, the guy should just handle that and take care of it.
[BILLY]: Well, Tripp you have given us some fantastic advice today. And as we begin to wrap up, we will talk about guys and insecurities. What’s the biggest insecurity you come across and what’s your antidote to it? I mean, I see a lot, like, “Am I enough? Am I good enough?” In conversation physically just fears of insecurity. What do you come across when guys come to you? What’s their biggest stumbling block?
[TRIPP]: I wouldn’t say that the biggest stumbling block is, yes, it’s not feeling good enough. It really, it just becomes the guy puts the woman on a pedestal in the sense where he feels that any woman who is attractive is just automatically more valuable than him. So he has to try to impress her. He has to try to chase her. He thinks he has to do all of these things to get her. So in that process itself, that process is unattractive. So if guys are thinking that they’re doomed. They’re never going to, if they, I have guys who say, “Oh, she’s out of my league.” I would go, “If you’re going to keep on thinking that she’s out of your league, then she is out of your league. And she always will be, I know we’ll never be able to get into that league.” So it comes down to guys have to come back to why they think that they’re valuable.
And I’ll be honest. I think some guys are not valuable. I think that there’s some guys out there where they don’t have a lot of things going on in their life and they better fix that. They better get a good job that’s paying them decent money. They better get into some shape. They have to look good. You have to have your life together. You can’t be living in your parents’ basement. I mean, I didn’t make the rules. It’s like these things are just not going to be attractive to women. Now do you have to be like six figure, super rich, super good looking, super tall guy to get a great woman? No, you don’t have to be that. So I don’t want to confuse guys of like, “Oh, I knew it, looks, money and nice cars”. Well, yes, if you have those things, I’m not going to lie. It probably will work. You’ll get a very attractive woman, but you still can get a great woman and even an attractive woman and a quality woman, but you have to do some basic level stuff here.
So you have to be doing those things. I got a little off track here of your question, but I think the idea is how do you make yourself become a valuable person? How do you build yourself esteem? Here’s step one. You want to build yourself esteem? You have to keep the promises that you make to yourself. That’s how self-esteem is built. If you say you’re going to do something in the week ahead, do it, and then you’ll feel better about yourself. If you don’t do those things, you’re going to feel crappy about yourself. And that can be anything with setting goals you know, anything that you’re trying to achieve, even if it’s really, really small.
So I would suggest guys pick one goal. And maybe it’s related to meeting women, you know approach one woman per week. That in itself will build your self-esteem because you’re keeping that promise. Second is you want to surround yourself by people who are also trying to be better people and who are people who are going to be lifting you up. So your peer group is really important in building your self-esteem. If you surround yourself by people who maybe put you down or keep you down, that’s not going to help either. So you want to keep the promises you make to yourself, and also surround yourself by people who are trying to do other great things in the world. So if you do that, you see yourself as a guy who you like, you see yourself as valuable, and then you see a beautiful woman, you’re going to say, “Oh, why wouldn’t this woman like me? I’m awesome.” And that’s not in an arrogant way because arrogant is, “I’m better than you.” Arrogance is, “I’m better than you.” But confidence is. “I’m awesome.” So I think that’s the big difference there.
[BRANDY]: I’m coming to the table with stuff.
[TRIPP]: Yes. Exactly.
[BRANDY]: I’m feeling good. All right. So my last question for you before we tell people where they can find you, reverse that, and talking to the women out there, what is one thing you’d like to say to women who are in the dating world and either how they react to men or just, what is one piece of advice to give to women? Because it’s hard for the guys. It’s hard. I mean, they are scared to come up to us. They’re scared. It is the game, whatever it is. What would you tell them?
[TRIPP]: Such a big question. Can you just be, even as a tad more specific, like tell them in terms of like how to —
[BRANDY]: Yes, sure. Maybe how to reject a guy or how to throw a signal out?
[TRIPP]: Sure. Well, for rejection just don’t ghost. I think the best thing that a woman can do, and I don’t think that many women will take this advice because it’s that hard to do and I understand that, but it’s really the best; is tell the guy why, if you can, in the best way possible, tell him why you weren’t interested so he can learn from it. Now, if he takes that bad, that’s on him, but a smart guy will listen and go, “Okay, that was feedback. Great. I’m appreciative of that. I can use that.” So if women can do that, that would be awesome. At the very least tell them that you’re not interested instead of ghosting. So I would say that’s in terms of the rejection.
[BRANDY]: Okay.
[TRIPP]: And then, go ahead.
[BRANDY]: And then the signal? Just a signal, what is that?
[TRIPP]: Well, the signal, if you want to give a guy a signal to approach, like you’re saying give a signal of like, “Hey —
[BRANDY]: Yes, like an eye contact. What is it?
[TRIPP]: Yes. I would say it. I would want to take it further than that because eye contact, they might not be looking. So I would say a woman, she sees a guy that she wants to talk to, just go over and compliment something very basic, not his looks, but something he’s wearing. And just that one thing. So it’s not like you go over to him and say, “Hey, I like your style.” I understand that’s a lot for a woman to put herself out there like that. But if you want the opportunity to meet this guy, go up to him and say, “Hey, I just want to say those are really cool looking shoes.” You’re doing good there. Or, “That’s a really nice watch. That’s really cool. That’s a really cool hat.” Anything just speak out. And you don’t even have to believe it and just like go up and just give a compliment on one thing. That should be more than enough to signal to the guy. “Okay. She could be interested.” And it gives them the opportunity to continue the conversation. That’s not easy to do, but —
[BRANDY]: Well, I think it is because you’re putting yourself out there, but you’re not. I mean, you can say that and walk off and leave the ball in his court. So I like that. It’s good, simple advice.
[BILLY]: Yes. Yes. Well, anything worth doing isn’t going to be easy anyway. And we have to realize that in life. Well, Tripp in wrapping up I know we’ve got some guys out there that may feel lonely and overwhelmed and not know where to go or what to do and need a starting point. Where can they find you to get some help?
[TRIPP]: Yes, absolutely. Well, I’ll give you a few things. If you listen to this on a podcast, then check out my podcast. It’s called How to Talk to Girls. It’s on all the different platforms. So you can hop on over and hear more of my advice and people that I interview. And then if you’re saying, “Podcast sounds great, but I’m really ready to actually do some work here and I love to work with you,” then just go to coachedbytripp.com. And that’s an application form where I can learn more about you and then we have the potential of working together. So that’s coachedbytripp.com and then we can set you up and I can be coaching you personally one-on-one and help you through this process. Again, that’s too big of a jump. For some guys that just want to learn a little bit more go to the How to Talk to Girls podcast.
[BILLY]: Fantastic. Tripp, we appreciate your time today. Thanks for giving us a lot of valuable information even for those of us who’ve been out of the game for awhile and we have upcoming kids that are going to be asking us questions and friends and things of that nature and things we can do in our own relationship to continue to let it grow and be healthy. Thanks so much, Tripp.
[TRIPP]: Thank you.
[BILLY]: Are ready to find freedom to be yourself as a beta male? Do you want permission and tools to be your best beta? Are you ready to join the revolution to define your strength as a beta? If you want to be comfortable in your own skin and be the most authentic beta male, then our free Beta Male Revolution course is for you. Sign up for free at betamalerevolution.com/course.
This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. This is given with the understanding that needed the host, Practice of the Practice, or the guests are providing legal, mental health or other professional information. If you need a professional, you should find one.

Beta Male Revolution is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Empowered and Unapologetic, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

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