Kevin Harris on Radical Mentoring | Episode 26

Kevin Harris on Radical Mentoring | Episode 26

Are you wanting to learn ways to be a better parent to your kids and partner to your spouse? What skills can you learn to help you shift your patterns? How can having a mentor help you?

In this podcast episode, Billy and Brandy Eldridge speak about radical mentoring with Kevin Harris.

Meet Kevin Harris

Kevin HarrisKevin Harris is the president of Radical Mentoring. Kevin grew up in Durham, NC, and attended Furman University before moving to Atlanta. Before joining Radical Mentoring, he led a sales team at Wells Real Estate Funds and served in sales positions at CNL and Atlas Energy.

He and his wife Susan have two boys, Thomas and Bo. Kevin enjoys coaching his sons, cooking a good meal, reading a good book, and watching a good game.

Visit Kevin’s website, connect with him on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Vimeo.

In This Podcast

Summary

  • Kevin’s foundational points
  • 5ft for 5 minutes
  • How radical mentoring connects with the male community
  • Quick tips on how to be a better dad and husband

Kevin’s foundational points

For Kevin, becoming a better father and husband is a universal truth to follow.

“I believe that I’m the better husband and the better dad if I love and serve my wife and my kids really well.”

Although this is difficult sometimes and it can feel like an upside-down way to live initially, but having a loving and strong relationship with his children and his partner bring Kevin the greatest joy and deeper inter-relational connections.

Learning how to care for our families and the people closest to us seems to feel increasingly alien in a world where we care more for our clients at work. However, making this conscious change to also value and uphold the family as a unit is necessary to build healthy interpersonal relationships.

5ft for 5 minutes

This is an idea that comes from Radical Mentoring where someone will come home from work and when they walk in the door, they go up to their spouse and give them 5 minutes of undivided attention to reconnect with the home life after the work life.

For some busy families, this may not always be the most ideal strategy, and Kevin recommends that this little transitional period does not have to strictly be 5 minutes or 5ft, but that it is a guideline and an encouragement to check in with your partner first-thing when you come home from work instead of automatically switching off.

How radical mentoring connects with the male community

Some people have outdated ideas about what mentoring is that put them off of the idea, however, it is a lot more than simply talking.
Through radical mentoring, they provide a space and place for men to calmly and safely express their vulnerability – this is something especially important since in many ways men are encouraged to bottle up their emotions and experiences instead of dealing with them.

What Radical Mentoring aims to do is to create environments where men can have the space to share their stories and experiences with other men and can connect with others who have also been in similar situations and find true empathy amongst their peers instead of feeling isolated.

Through Radical Mentoring, the men are also given interesting and helpful books to read, resources to interact with, and taught how to journal and complete daily assessment homework tasks that require them to engage with the material.

“The passion of our organization is to help these men really become all that God’s designed them to be and in context of the local church, it’s helped them understand that churches have got older guys and younger guys and how do you build a bridge over these two generations together.”

Quick tips on how to be a better dad and husband

Complete a love note exercise

Write a love note to your spouse like you did in your courting days and leave it somewhere where your spouse will find it when they are alone. This inspires a connection and creates a continuous mutual affection.

Having hard conversations about roles in the house

Having these difficult conversations together about what you assume is your partner’s responsibility and what they assume is yours challenges couples to reinvent their roles in the home and in the relationship. Toss out the assumptions and work together on what you want to have in your home and find routines that work for you as a couple, instead of sticking blindly to what you think the world wants to see.

Stewardship and financial issues

Doing a time-and-finances study together, not in isolation, and working it out together as a couple.

Are you ready to find the freedom to be yourself as a beta male? Do you want permission and tools to be your best beta? Are you ready to join the revolution to find strength as a beta? If you want to be comfortable in your skin and be the most authentic beta male, then our free beta revolution course is for you. Sign up for free.

Useful links:

Meet Billy Eldridge

billy-eldridge

Meet Billy, the resident beta male. For Billy, this is a place to hang out with other beta males and the people who love them. We’re redefining what beta males look like in the world. I have learned to embrace my best beta self, and I can help you to do the same. As a therapist, I understand the need to belong. You belong here. Join the REVOLUTION.

Meet Brandy Eldridge

brandy-eldridge

Hello, Beta friends. I am an alpha personality who is embracing the beta way of life. I feel alive when connected with people, whether that is listening to their stories or learning about their passions. Forget small talk, let’s go deep together. Come to the table and let’s have some life-changing conversations.

Thanks for listening!

Did you enjoy this podcast? Feel free to leave a comment below or share this podcast on social media! You can also leave a review of the Beta Male Revolution Podcast on iTunes and subscribe!

Podcast Transcription

[BILLY]:
Beta Male Revolution is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a family of podcasts seeking to change the world. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Empowered and Unapologetic, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

What’s up, Beta Male Revolution? Thanks for hanging out with us today. If you haven’t had a chance to go over and rate and review on Apple iTunes, where our podcast is, scroll all the way to the bottom, click some stars, write a review for us, it helps us out. Also, if you haven’t signed up for our free email course at betamalerevolution.com go on over and do that. If you’re a beta male or if you have a beta person in your life you want to understand a little bit better, go through our email course; tell us what you think. Today on the podcast, we have Kevin Harris. He is the president of Radical Mentoring. You can find his information at radicalmentoring.com. We love what he’s doing in the world, promoting family life, being emotionally available to your kids and your partner. So if you want to hear a conversation on that, keep listening. Here’s Kevin Harris.

[BILLY]:
Hey, Beta Male Revolution. It’s Billy here and I’ve got Brandy with me. Hello, Brandy.

[BRANDY]:
Hello, love.

[BILLY]:
And we’re here today with Kevin Harris. He’s the president of Radical Mentoring. And Kevin, could you introduce yourself to our audience?

[KEVIN]:
Absolutely. I was gonna say ‘hello, love’ but that’s probably not appropriate [unclear].

[BRANDY]:
You’re welcome to do that.

[KEVIN]:
Just like you said, Brandy, with that little drawl, I love it. So I’ve run an organization called Radical Mentoring by day. And probably our passion, and I’d say my passion as it relates to work is really just helping men become all that God has designed them to be, as husbands, as fathers, as friends. But most of my time is spent with my wife, Susan, of twenty years. I’ve got two boys, Thomas and Bo, who are fourteen and eleven, and I have a one hundred and sixty pound dog named Bella who is a Newfoundland. So needless to say, between the boys and the dog, we eat a lot around our house. But that’s really how I spend most of my time.

[BRANDY]:
Well, I love that you have two preteens… one teenager, one preteen, we may have to talk offline because that’s a struggle in our house right now.

[KEVIN]:
We can talk online, offline.

[BILLY]:
We’ve got some up and coming.

[BRANDY]:
I love that what you do lines up very well with what we’re trying to put out there in the world and just those… how to be a better person, how to be a better friend, how to be a better person in the community. What are some of your foundational things that you teach?

[KEVIN]:
Yeah, you know, for us, obviously we take a faith angle of it. But the reality is, for anybody that’s listening that isn’t a isn’t a follower of Jesus, I think becoming a better father and husband and friend is kind of a universal truth that we all want to follow. But in my mind, Jesus gives us the best model for that. But I believe that I’m the better husband, and the better dad if I love and serve my wife and my kids really well. It’s a very counterintuitive approach to life. It’s a little bit of the upside down kind of a way to live. But I just think I earn the… I hate to say ‘earn the love and respect’ but loving and serving my kids and family is what brings me the greatest joy and brings us a deeper relational connection. And so that’s certainly I think the secret to a lot of this, is just learning how to how to take care of the people that are closest to you, when oftentimes the world would say, you take care of the people in the business world or in the real world, then you come home and you give less than your best to your family. And I just think that’s a sad way to live.

[BILLY]:
Yeah. Well, you mentioned ‘counterintuitive’ about that way of life. Do you think it goes against what comes natural? Is this hard for people? I know it’s hard for me. I’d kind of like to know I’m not alone in that I can show up in the world, I can be a businessman, when I come home, sometimes it’s the hardest work I need to do, to emotionally connect with my family, show up for my wife, check in with her, be there for my kids and not just come home and check out.

[KEVIN]:
No doubt. No doubt. Billy, it is really hard. One of the things that we do with the work that I do with men is we always give these guys homework assignments. And one of the homework assignments that would give them is we affectionately call it ‘five feet for five minutes’. And what we challenge the guys… so I’m forty-five, and so the guys that I kind of try to pour my life into are guys that are newly married, kind of late twenties into early to mid thirties with young kids. And so in this ‘five feet for five minute’ exercise, we really just say, look, when you walk in the front door, at the end of the day, your main job is to go stand within five feet of your wife and give her a full five minutes of your attention. Not necessarily to be, you know, kind of being in a safe space. If you have to step over the kids, and let them scream a little bit… but it’s really just to focus your initial five minutes of reentry back with your spouse, because I think the best way that my kids will see me oftentimes is how I love and treat Susan.

And so we try to build in some of those habits for these men, because we really just want them to understand that everything about you, Billy, and about me, walking in the front door, and a lot of guys is man, I just want to put my butt on the couch and take a few deep breaths and disconnect to the news or whatever it might be. But the reality is that that’s probably the least effective thing we can do. And so I’m constantly trying to come up with ways that we can help men engage their families in a more different way and we think that five feet for five minutes is a really unique way to do that. Because it does just show your kids and shows your spouse, she gets your undivided attention when you first walk back in the door.

[BRANDY]:
Kevin, I love that idea. But I also… I think if Billy came in and gave me five minutes of undivided attention as soon as he walked in the door, I would get mad at him because what I need is for him to help me with the kids and get everything settled so that I could have five minutes. So what do you do with, like, the non traditional couples? So like, I work full time, I go to school full time, if Billy came in and said, hey, how was your day? I’d be like, I don’t need you right here, I need you to go finish giving that bath, get that stuff out of the refrigerator to defrost and deal with your child that’s screaming in the corner.

[KEVIN]:
That’s right. I love it. Your child. Because your child wouldn’t scream in a corner, but Billy’s child, for sure. No, I mean, I think in that sense of that… oftentimes when we challenge guys to do this, they’ll come back and within the next… we meet kind of on a monthly rhythm and the guys will come back and go, alright, at some… you know, whether it’s the first time or the third time, their spouse will look at them and go, who’s telling you to do this? And why are you acting so weird and so strange? And I think whether it’s five feet and you only get… you get five feet, you get it for one minute, or maybe you get five feet for five minutes. But I think it’s that little transition that does happen, the little relational connection, even if it is hey, my day was really hard and here’s the most important thing you can do for me right now, is to go take care of this issue. It does sort of create, even if it’s a quick handoff, the chance to sort of put eyes on each other and just kind of go alright, let’s recenter, roles are shifting. Now we’re back at it again. It’s less about the specific five feet and the specific five minutes and more about the chance to just have a quick handoff, even if that’s all you get.

[BILLY]:
Yeah, absolutely. And in the box we put those skills in and the term we use are beta skills just for the reason that, you know, we have had this alpha-beta dichotomy, and guys are taught to go out and conquer the world. And that was the message for a long time. And that’s good, to go out and provide, and make a living. Some people don’t do that. That’s good to take care of your family in that way. But then there’s that extra component – what we call soft skills – of emotionally showing up and being available, because I think we’ve got too many hard working dads that just show up and they’re the grouch who enters the door. And it’s going to be where’s this, where’s that, and all of a sudden, they’re in a position to be served and not to serve. And so it is flipping the script and being counterintuitive and saying, how can I show up at the end of the day, even though I’m tired, and lean into just spending my time and energy in the rest of this day on my family? And so the concept of radical mentoring – because I think men probably need radical mentoring, just not regular mentoring, because we don’t get things very easily – where does this come from? How did you get to become a radical mentor, the president of radical mentoring?

[KEVIN]:
Yeah. So I met a guy by the name of Reggie Campbell back in 2002. So I’m not going to tell you when I was born and tell you the long story, but 2002 I was invited to be a part of a mentoring group by this guy named Reggie, who I didn’t know from Adam’s housecat at that point. And in fact, I got an email that said, write your obituary and send it back to me. And then at some point within a month or so I got a note back that said, ‘Congratulations, you’ve entered my mentoring group.’ But the reality is that obituary is just a vision statement for your life. And so it does give you a chance to sit back and think about, you know, Stephen Covey would say, begin with the end in mind, right? So I met Reggie in 2002 and I was, at that point, new in my career, newly married, but I think I did have… I had culture’s message around you as the dad and the husband… at that point I wasn’t a dad. You as a husband go out and conquer the world, and you do all the things that culture tells you you’re supposed to do. And when I met Reggie, he was a business guy who had done all those things, but had took a really hard lesson in kind of crashing and burning, because as he would say, he sacrificed his family on the altar of his work. And his real passion was to connect with guys like me early in their careers, to help them avoid some of the mistakes that he had made. And some of the decisions he had made, which ended up costing him relational capital with his wife and kids.

And so I spent a year with Reggie, and a group of guys. And then I sort of took my career journey. And I did what Reggie said probably not to do and I started traveling every week and doing a lot of the things that in my mind, it was, if I provide well for my family today then… they may not like me very much today, but in the future are going to like me a lot because I’m going to be able to provide all of these things. And I had to crash and burn. So I got on the airplane a couple too many times and sort of I ended up in a really in a depressive state, and not like the fun, cute buzzword where everybody says, oh, I’m just feeling a little depressed. It was a clinical depression. It was intense marriage counseling and personal counseling. And part of the crux of my depression was just that whole idea that I was caught in this treadmill and rat race. And I was running hard and running in every direction. But the reality was, I would show back up on a Thursday night or a Friday morning and I’d be… my wife’s stress level would be… and she also works, Brandy, so it was really a fun combination of me traveling every week, and then her working and managing the house. But I would come in and just, I would be toast. And she’d be at a stress level of eleven and I could probably get her maybe down to a seven or eight by Sunday. And then I’d be back on an airplane Sunday night or Monday morning. So I had to learn and crash and learn some hard lessons.

But I had this great friendship with Reggie, that started in 2002. And he just began to see in me, and knew what the right answer was but that there was more for me. And so he had founded the organization and about five years ago, after I closed out a couple of deals that I was working on in the financial services world, he said, you know, Kevin, I just think there’s a part of your story that needs to be told. And you can intersect with guys kind of like I intersected with you. And so about five years ago, I joined him and we started growing this organization to sort of where we are today where a lot of our clients are churches, a lot of our clients are what we would call independent mentors. But really the heart is how do you leverage the story of somebody who’s a little further down the road? And how do you help them connect it with somebody that’s coming up behind them, who would love to learn those valuable life lessons that you sort of taught yourself in the school of hard knocks? How do you pass those down to some guys behind you and see if you can’t try to shift as best you can a little bit of a generational shift, to help men understand that it doesn’t have to be a rat race, that there’s other ways to live your life on purpose.

[BILLY]:
So you made a shift from the financial services industry into this thing that’s a bit more passion driven, but it sounds like in doing that you slowed down and started showing up more. Was it scary to leave the thing you knew to go do the thing that you knew you were supposed to do?

[KEVIN]:
It was petrifying. And it was a lot of, a lot of this is… we talk about in our house sometimes, we had to rewrite the contract Susan and I had established over time to… or I was forced to, at the very beginning, forced to really have to serve more than I was used to. But I’ve been able to just see how my marriage has been redeemed, and my relationship with my kids has been redeemed over the last five years because I’m doing work I’m passionate about versus I’m doing a job. And my life is in balance. And I’ve seen just just the incredible impact that you can have when you get those things aligned in a better way versus just again, doing what the world says you’re supposed to do, which is go out and make as much as you can, and run over as many people as you can to get there.

[BRANDY]:
Are you familiar with Matt Chandler? He’s a pastor.

[KEVIN]:
Love Matt. Yeah.

[BRANDY]:
Okay. Yeah. So one of the things Matt Chandler said that stuck with Billy and… or stuck with me, for sure, is he was speaking to husbands and dads at church one Sunday and he said, husbands need to earn their tired when they come home, that they need to go to bed just completely exhausted.

[BILLY]:
Wrung out for your family. I love that term.

[BRANDY]:
Yeah, yeah. And not that that’s what I want to do to Billy, but I do love that, which you’ve touched on several times, is just that servanthood, of serving your family. I think women, moms tend to – and I hate to blanket statements or put people in boxes – but I think they tend to do that naturally. I think it’s just innate in them to serve their family, most of the time. There’s always exceptions to the rules. But I don’t think that is generationally how men have seen family. I think the older generation has taught men, provide for your family, provide for your family, if you’re a good provider, you’re a good husband, you’re a good father.

And I think we’re seeing this surge from more of the, like, we like to call it the beta males, of coming in and being more of those hands-on dad, and more emotionally available to their families, and more stay at home dads, or doing the carpool, and taking their daughters to cheerleading practice. And we’re seeing a lot more of this. So I think that the work you’re doing is extremely relevant in today’s society. And I know it’s with a Christian spin but the concepts and the principles are the same, of just being that available husband, and friend too. You talk about that. And you talk about your relationship with Reggie, and how that made you a better person. So far, you’ve given us the five feet for five minutes, the vision statement with the obituary…

[BILLY]:
I love that.

[BRANDY]:
And talk to me more about how you connect not only with other men, but friends and your community, and where this goes.

[KEVIN]:
Yeah, so I think at the… sort of at the crux of what we do is, you know, oftentimes people will say, man, I would love to have a mentor, but I don’t know how to get a mentor, or whatever. Or people will think mentoring is always this kind of one-on-one, awkward relationship where I say, hey, Billy, will you mentor me? And he says, sure. We meet at the Starbucks, and then we sort of stare blankly at each other and go, what do you want to talk about? I don’t know, what do you want to talk about? And we do that three or four times and then those mentoring relationships kind of fizzle out.

And so the other thing we also have realized – and I think we’re seeing it now obviously magnified in the environment we’re in – but this whole idea of isolation is just a real big challenge for men. And so we don’t have places and spaces to share our vulnerability and share our real selves, which is a whole ‘nother thing that the world tells us. And so what we really want to do is create environments where men can share their stories first. And so we’ve sort of created this process that begins with understanding who you are sort of as your inner man first, and understanding… in our context it’s, how do you see God? How do you think God sees you? Understanding faith, and prayer, and some of those core practices of being a follower of Jesus. And then, how do you understand how your faith can impact your marriage, and your friendships, and your parenting?

And so we do a group mentoring model. And what happens in those groups is when guys share their stories with each other, they begin to realize that the challenges they were facing, the addictions they were challenged with and struggling with, the depression they were dealing with, that there’s four or five guys around the circle that some of them they know, some they don’t know, but they’re all sort of dealing with the same things. And so creating space for stories to be shared sort of builds a foundation by which everything else in these mentoring groups happens. And so, we’re having guys memorize scripture, we’re putting them in one-on-one relationships with other men in the group. So they’re working on those hard skills about how to become a better friend. They’re reading books, they’re doing some of these different assignments, oftentimes they’re journaling or some other things along the way. And so it’s really just the passion of our organization, is to help these men really become all that God’s design them to be, and in the context sometimes of the local church. It’s helped them understand that churches have got older guys and younger guys, and how do you build a bridge of those two generations together?

[BILLY]:
Yeah, I believe mentoring is so foundational to our growth as a human being. But we don’t come with that pre packaged in any way or you don’t know how to get one. I got a… I was able to get a mentor about ten years ago, and that was through a process of recovery. I struggled with alcoholism and addiction. And if you have that kind of problem, there’s like twelve step groups and celebrate recovery and they pair you with what they call a sponsor. And it’s, like, built in. And so people that don’t struggle with addiction and alcoholism, they’re always coming up to me and like, where did you learn this? Where did you learn that? And I said, well, I meet with this guy. And he’s taught me a lot of things. One of the first things he told me was, you’re one of God’s kids and he’s crazy about ya. And it just broke me because I felt unworthy, unloved, I’d made so many… I’d failed at so many things. And I found myself healing in community, and my addiction had isolated me for so long. And I believe we all struggle with something, but I’m so glad folks can go to radicalmentoring.com. If you’re not dealing with a direct addiction, and you don’t have to go to a twelve step group, here’s a place you can find a mentor. I mean, how do they go about plugging in and doing that?

[KEVIN]:
Yeah, so there’s a couple ways folks do it. Typically it can be in the context of their church, which again, for some, that’s not a great option. For some it’s the perfect option. We also serve what I would call kind of the independent mentor, who is just a guy who has a passion to do this, who also has a group of younger guys, he’d like to pour into. Where we as an organization fall a little bit short is we don’t put the groups together because that’s a little bit more work than we can do. And we’re not, you know, we want to make sure that we’re putting this in the hands of the mentors who can then kind of reach into their own networks and form their groups. But what we really want to do is say, hey, Mr Mentor, we want to give you a path to run on, a path that is rigid enough that you sort of know what you’re doing and each one of these sessions, but it’s also loose enough, and then you don’t feel like you’ve got to follow a script. And it’s not not a curriculum. It’s really a process, is the best way to describe it, that just allows those mentors to facilitate these groups so that they’re not… nobody wants to be taught for three hours about marriage, or you pick whatever the topic is. They want to be in a group where they can share stories and be authentic with each other and talk about the challenges and the issues. And the mentor then can facilitate those conversations. So they can find a lot of that information, really all of it, at radical mentoring.com, we’ve got resources that are free, we give all of our resources away. So at no point do you create an account and then run into a brick wall that says, hey, for $39.99 a month, you can get access to the inner vault. We keep it all there for everybody to use.

[BILLY]:
It’s true, mentoring. I know some people that have hired high end consultants that have cost a lot of money. But not everybody… and that’s more for business, but working on the inside, there’s something about that altruism, and just getting something from giving to another person. So in thinking that it’s counterintuitive to “sacrifice”… so in turning your life, and focusing on your family, and coming in at the end of the day and trying to be more in touch and giving more of yourself, what has it cost you? Has it been a negative return?

[KEVIN]:
Depends on how you define the negative part. I mean, yes, there were financial sacrifices that were made that may keep me from getting the invisible golden handcuffs or whatever they call them that are down the road somewhere that will give you all the flexibility and the freedom that you need. But I’ll take a little bit of that negative return for the positives that I’ve seen in my relationships with my boys, and my relationship with my spouse, and how I’m able to engage friends and then in my community, I’ll… those far outweigh any of the negatives. I mean, the biggest negative is the financial reward. I mean, I made a sacrifice, partially because I knew I couldn’t get on another airplane, but primarily because I just knew that this is how God designed me and I think it’s been incredibly freeing to be sort of in that sweet spot where purpose and passion and career kind of all line up. And so there’s way too many positives to think about going backwards.

[BRANDY]:
I look at your website and it says that it also has a group for women. Am I correct?

[KEVIN]:
Yes. Yeah, you are correct. That’s… it’s coming soon. We’re gonna launch a group model for women called Known Collective. You can find information on that at knownandworthy.com. So that’ll be a very similar process.

[BRANDY]:
Yeah, I like the idea of having that for women. So Billy and I both grew up in the church and we’ve gone through like a deconstruction of faith, and then maybe a reconstruction of faith. And one of the things that I’ve always had pushback with is the roles of men and women in the church and the idea that women should serve men, and submit, and that men are the head of the household. And no matter how you feel about that, I still look at your principles as very fundamental and just good relationships. And I like the idea of just the authentic group and I like that you said, we’re not sitting there reading… nobody wants to be taught for three hours on marriage. And you’re so right, I feel like the connection, the real authentic connection, comes not when there’s a video playing, or someone’s preaching from the pulpit, or teaching. It’s when you get raw, you get real with people, and you have these conversations, and you have that Vegas rule of what happens in here stays in here, but with the understanding of to create better people. I like the idea of modeling that for women as well. And in my experience, every Bible city I’ve been through or one of those things, it’s always about teaching how to be a better mom and a better wife. And I think that for me, it loses a lot of the credibility because I’m a working mom. I’m a mom, I’m a wife, but I also have a nonprofit that I run, and there’s not a whole lot out there for women in these non traditional roles. We spend a lot of our time learning how to be the Proverbs woman.

[KEVIN]:
Thirty-one. Correct.

[BRANDY]:
Yeah.

[BILLY]:
Proverbs thirty-one.

[KEVIN]:
My wife’s the same way, I mean, she works outside the home, and we got boys and sports and other things, and we’re running and gunning. But I think part of… what we began to hear was as these men’s lives began to change, their spouses would say, I don’t know what you did to Kevin when he entered this group, but he sure is a lot… he’s a lot different now on the other side of it, and is there a similar experience? And we just began to hear that enough that it was very much born out of the desire to be able to free those stories up for women as well, which I think are totally valuable for women to be in groups like that, for sure.

[BRANDY]:
Okay, so I have a question. You say all of your resources are free. And I love that idea. So you’ve got the five feet for five minutes, can you give me one or two other things that you start with that are just easy, low hanging fruit, wins for men that are listening to this today that say, I want to be a better dad, I want to be a better husband. I can commit to doing the five feet five minutes. What else do you have for him?

[KEVIN]:
Yeah, we’ve got… we have a… this may not be as popular one, but we do a love note exercise, which, I’m sure Billy wrote lots of notes when y’all were courting.

[BRANDY]:
He did.

[KEVIN]:
As you know, you get married, and all of a sudden you think, oh, I don’t have to do any of that stuff anymore. So we challenge these guys to write a love note and put it somewhere where your spouse will find it when you’re not around. Sometimes it’s underneath the windshield wiper of the car, or it’s on the coffee creamer, wherever it might be, we challenge guys to do that. And it’s amazing what happens when they realize the impact of their words. And how that does… it’s inspiring to their spouses to hear how they still see them and how they appreciate them. And I still have on my calendar now. Every time I do this with a group, we all end up going back and putting a monthly reminder to remember to do that. And so it’s another one of those habits.

We have a whole conversation around roles in the house and it does force the hard conversation, of here are the things I have just assumed that you do, and here are the things that you’ve assumed that I’ve done. And let’s figure out, you know, let’s really force ourselves to sit down and wipe all the assumptions away and think about how’s the best way for us as a couple to operate, not as we think the world is sort of telling us to do it. So we have some exercises around those kind of things as well. We have exercises around financial stewardship and looking at budgets and other things which are really hard conversations for families to have, or husbands and wives to have. And we have some guidelines and some things to do around how do you see where your time is spent? How do you see where your money is spent? But not in isolation, and I think that’s the key. We’re not saying to the husband’s, go sit in the corner with a spreadsheet and figure out where all your money’s going and then go back and tell your spouse how to change all the things that are wrong. We say no, you sit down together. And you really, as a couple, work out some of those details and have some hard conversations around things like finances and around things like time and all those sort of things. And so we try to make those homework assignments really practical and oftentimes really relational.

[BILLY]:
I love it. I think we need more of it in the world. I was looking at your website and I saw one little reading you have that was ‘Mentor like Jesus’. And for all of my struggles with religion and that stuff, growing up in it, man, the story of Jesus, I can’t get away from it for the life of me because it’s a beautiful one. And when I look at the life of Jesus, I don’t see this hard charging titan of industry. I saw someone who gathered children around him, that served his fellow men around him, and looked for ways to make the world a better place, and was emotionally attuned to the world around.

[BRANDY]:
He was the ultimate mentor.

[BILLY]:
And healing hurts. And I love that you guys do that. In closing, I’m going to ask you a couple questions.

[KEVIN]:
Yeah. And I’ll send you a copy, Billy and Brandy, of ‘Mentor like Jesus’. That way you can see the model.

[BILLY]:
Yeah, yeah, we’d love to check it out.

[BRANDY]:
Thank you.

[BILLY]:
If you guys want to see it, hop on the website, radicalmentoring.com, and get that there. So, Kevin, in this journey you’ve taken, stepping out and doing this thing for yourself and for your family, and to follow the path you knew you were supposed to do, what’s the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn?

[KEVIN]:
That’s a great question. I think that the hardest lesson that I continue to learn is the power of my words to both positively influence – really specifically right now it’s around more my relationship with my kids, how the power of my words can positively impact them, but can also wound them, and just having to be really aware of the things I say to my kids in my moments of deepest frustration with their teenage brains, and their inability to keep up with their shoes or other things. Oftentimes, in those moments of frustration, the devil inside of me will say something that, you know, you try to shove those words back in. But once that toothpaste is out, you can’t get it back in the tube. And so I would say those are the hardest lessons I’m learning, is to say something out of anger or frustration, then you have this mirror in front of you which happens to be your fourteen-year-old son, you see the shift in his face, and you see the shift in his emotions when he hears what you say. And then you’re learning the hard lesson of apologizing and asking for forgiveness is probably the one that I’d say is the most relevant, hard lesson I’m learning right now, for sure.

[BILLY]:
Well, thank you for being vulnerable and open with that. And it’s a message I need to hear.

[BRANDY]:
He does that on a monthly basis. He’s open and vulnerable with his group. He’s good at it.

[BILLY]:
You learn how to do it. So who or what inspires you to keep going, to keep doing this work in the world, to keep pushing forward on the days you want to give up? Why do you do what you do?

[KEVIN]:
It’s the stories. It’s the interaction with one guy, or one mentor, or one mentee in my group that reaches out on a tough day and says, hey, can you be praying for this? Or can we get together and talk about this? It helps you realize that you might be making short term changes, but you’re making an eternal impact. And I just truly believe, you know, we’ve seen about fourteen thousand men come through our mentoring process. And I just think there’s the opportunity to shift a generation and then a generation behind them as we’re talking into speaking truth into the lives of our kids. I just think it’s the stories. My least favorite days are the ones where I’m staring at a spreadsheet or doing kind of the things that have to be done. My most favorite days are when I’m connecting with mentors, or pastors, or mentees, or are talking with great folks like you who just are willing to hear the story and want to get the story out. Those are the things that keep me going.

[BILLY]:
Thank you so much, Kevin. From Atlanta, Georgia, to Texarkana, Texas over a podcast mic, I can feel your heart. I can feel your love for other people and wanting to leave a positive mark, not just on the world, but coming down to the level of your family, and your kids, and your wife, and that’s where it starts. Thank you so much for providing a system where people can find mentors when they need them. When they feel isolated and alone, especially during this day and age. It’s a scary feeling to feel like you want to reach out and there’s no one there. If you hear this, that’s not the case. You can go to readicalmentoring.com, link up with these guys and the accountability and the systems they have in place, no doubt they can help you. Kevin, thanks so much for joining us today.

[BRANDY]:
Thanks, Kevin.

[KEVIN]:
Billy and Brandy, my pleasure.

[BILLY]:
All right. Talk to you soon, Kevin.

[BILLY]:
Are you ready to find freedom to be yourself as a beta male? Do you want permission and tools to be your best beta? Are you ready to join the revolution to find your strength as a beta? If you want to be comfortable in your own skin and be the most authentic beta male, then our free Beta Male Revolution course is for you. Sign up for free at betamalerevolution.com/course.

This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. This is given with the understanding that neither the host, Practice of the Practice, or the guest are providing legal, mental health, or other professional information. If you need a professional, you should find one.

Beta Male Revolution is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you thrive, imperfectly. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom Podcast, Imperfect Thriving, or Empowered and Unapologetic, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

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